Leaving Las Vegas
It's been 10 years, so I can probably talk about this now.
I look back, a decade... as I sit in a home I created, in an area of town I wanted to live in, with an overhead of bills that I cover with jobs I made... and I didn't know.
I didn't know what was going to happen as I began a new life in a town filled with people I'd never met.
I knew one thing and one thing only... I gotta go.
I gotta Leave Las Vegas.
I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad, I wasn't running from anything... it was the feeling of "if I don't leave now I will forever regret this".
Like any change right, something held me back... that I was scared shitless.
Scared of a town that everyone else around me spoke of as a unicorn (LA). An unattainable thing that couldn't be real (I didn't know they were speaking from fear too).
There was something inside of me... I was done.
Done with the nightlife, the lights, the loud energy of drugs and drunks and music/mystic.
The quiet of desert and depression that fills the town long after the sun comes up and people are coming down.
I was done with the same old jobs that I "thought" were supposed to make me happy. Job titles, cool crowds, bigger hair/boobs/personalities that fill it.
I didn't fit in and it showed.
I didn't care who was with who because of who they are, I didn't care how many people I knew, I didn't care about filling my body or my mind with poison that I had seen so many OD in one way or another on. None of it mattered.
Like any relationship that isn’t working, you wake up one day and say "there has to be more than this".
Late nights, short shorts, high heels... it just wasn't me.
And any night you were off... people were going out.
The same exact people you work with would go out on their night off to another club that does the same fucking thing you do... sell distractions to the masses to forget who they are, where they are, how much their spending, and sometimes even that they have a family.
Every fucking night was groundhogs day!
I had what I called at the time my quarter life crisis.
I moved into my Mom's house, kept a simple work schedule and started to save money.
No one around me thought I would go. I wasn't the boldest, biggest risk taker, or even the goal listing achiever.
Understood... but years later I learned, people thought I would fail. Come, start back at the work I had left.
I didn't either... know how bad ass I was. (Don't worry I found out.)
But I had one thing under my belt that would help me survive... bitch knows how to work her ass off. Hard.
Ok something else happened that scared me shitless, but its the thing you're not allowed to say right?
My friends were having kids. At 24.
I didn't think I was supposed to have it all figured out by 24.
Raise another life, know the guy I was going to have a child with, buy a home and plant roots.... what! No!
(Side note: if I had a child with anyone I had dated at the time... even now... dear God hahah).
My friends are amazing people, wonderful mothers, have beautiful homes and children.
Me... I couldn't.
I. Just. Couldn't.
It really broke me.
I didn't know at all who I was, would be. Not at that age, or time.
Crazy as it seems the girl who got straight A's and never once got in any trouble... that girl needed freedom.
I love my hometown. I respect the people who work their asses off in it. I actually wouldn't want to be raised any other way.
My 24 hour town gave me a work ethic like none other.
The crazy ass situations I was put in night after night prepared me for life, to know I can handle anything that is thrown at me and tomorrow is a new day.
Celebrity that surrounded me taught me that no one is better than anyone. And most of the time the most "known"/wealthiest/prettiest people are some of the ugliest on the inside.
And in a town where every guy/girl/person was supposed to look/dress/be the same... it taught me how beautiful it is to be an individual.
Again, I love Las Vegas.
I never respected the open sky, the desert air, the convince of 24 hour super markets, the available parking, and the customer service people spend a lifetime/career to accommodate others.
But for me... Lauren Poole... I would have never known what I could be, how good I could feel, how much value I had if I didn't leave Las Vegas.
I don't know whats next for me... but I do know that I've made the right decisions for me to get me where I am now.
All my love to you all,