How Deep Is Your Love
Last night I came home, took a shower, made myself a pizza, ate half the pizza... then went back into the fridge and ate the other half of the pizza... laid on the couch brain dead with a glass of wine. Had another glass of wine and then got into bed at 7pm. (After learning how Jiro Dreams of Sushi... watch it.)
I was so fucking proud of me in that moment.
Let me tell you why.
Over the past month (I don't want to go back any further then the beginning of June right now)... I have:
-finished a Barre challenge early
-took a 20 hour training course
-saw my family for a day in Balboa Island
-took my friend to a Dodger game
-went to a friends surprise party
-went to a Harry Potter movie/cook night (that's right... Hufflepuff bitch! )
-was a part of a podcast
-got told the podcast isn't happening
-went to a production meeting
-had a production in my home
-was a dead person in that production for 4 days
-studied a lot of my anatomy
-auditioned for my mentor
-helped my friends with their auditions
-cooked and prepped a shit ton of my food for me
-worked full time
-took two friends to the airport
-cleaned my home
-saw a couple movies
-had lunch with a few friends
-did some other shit I can't remember
-and did some yoga here and there
Sounds amazing right?
And super productive so that my IG story looks exciting and filled with content...
So why was last night my proudest moment of the month?
In knowing that this month would carry a lot of fun, challenges, entertaining, work... I literally wrote in my planner yesterday and today.... DO NOTHING.
I wrote that at the beginning of the MONTH. Yey me! (Look at me planning my health ahead of time.)
And the best part is.... I did it. (Well I got food... and I have a barre class later... but this is all choice... food and fitness... choices... but they made me happy and I can do things that make me happy.)
Going through this past month, and at times not being fully present... waking up before my body wanted too, not 100% listening to when it needed a break... mentally powering through... falling asleep on my couch (and others when watching a movie... I know how Harry Potter 4 ends... RIP Cedric)... and pushing myself... this is how I used to live.. constantly.
In the midst of this non-stop-ness... I had an Oprah "Ah Ha" moment of "Damn girl, no wonder you weren't happy before"... my poor body and soul didn't like this pace.
So new wise me... we do not do this to ourself all the time, anymore.
So can I step up to the challenge of "Get Er Done"... yeah duh... ain't no body better qualified.
Do I need to do this all the time in order to feel like I am proud of me and I'm doing enough (for you, me, my future, and whatever the fuck)... NO!
But I used to.
My list of "To-Do's" was more important to me then my gut screaming "Can I please have a moment".
I live in America... the center of shame. I mean look at what we are doing right now (totally a different topic to cover), at the core of it is BUSY.
Who's bussier, who is more tired, who has more going on... while a lot of places in the world enjoy the mastering of one skill (seriously watch "Jiro Dreams of Sushi), days off, holidays, naps, food with family, get-a-ways... down time is part of the priority. Not a luxury.
While maintaining a busy schedule can secure your ego that is has done Enough... When is enough enough?
I have learned, with old consent funks, health mistakes, drunken days off, mess in my home and mind, anxiety, lack of happiness and joy.... that the busy ain't always worth it.
Was this whole month worth it... Absolutely!
Is doing this all the time necessary... Absolutely NOT!!!
This girl, planned ahead... and told myself when my time out needed to happen. I stepped up to all my challenges... and then now enjoy a day in my pjs... cooking food, reading more Potter (on Book 6, never read them before... so much fun), listening to podcasts as I put clothes away (obvi not mine because again, not happening now... hahah)... had a good cry from pure exhaustion and allowed it to happen as a release... take random 20 minute naps... and said to myself "Wow you haven't written in a while"... and instead of the shaming of not doing "enough" writing... I sat down and wrote.
Look how easy that was.
We are all doing enough! And we all deserve down time. Brain dead time. Eat the whole pizza time. Wine time.
And we all need to be told we are doing a good job.
Treat yo self. Be good to you.
Show you how deep your love is for yourself.
All my love to you all,
P.S. Why haven't I written in a while... I had shit going on...