Gimme A Break
Growing up, I 100% was told "You're going to have to do it on your own."
And the proof was there. I was alone. I wasn't raved about by family, people were dying off, money was low... so yes, I was going to have to do it on my own.
Starting at 13 I looked for schools that would get me the best ticket into college. No noise and no drama.
So I went to Performing Arts school with some of the noisiest and most dramatic people you could ever find (in a different way).
And thats when it all started. My running.
I would wake up to get ready for school at 4:30am... I wouldn't get back in my door from school until 3:30pm. And from there was homework (and if I had rehearsals forget about it.)
I wasn't sleeping, my eating was all over the place, and I was happy as a clam because I thought I was working towards something.
Cut to out of high school, now was a chance to do something that I was told was always the source of the problem around everything... Now I can make money.
I forewent college (which I got a full ride to) to go after the one thing that haunted me since I was a little girl.
Now I can make my own money. My own that I don't have to ask for or feel bad for wanting.
And there was no stopping me. I lived in a 24 hour town, and like Liv Tyler said in Empire Records "there are 24 useable hours in every day" and did I ever want to use them up.
Good news was, I was around other girls, who money haunted them, and we were all ready to face that beast that consumed our lives as kids.
Within months, I had all the things I thought I'd never have... a new car (I've never had a cosigner and I've never driven a used one... it's a thing, mine... I wanted to say its mine), a phone (yes so simple now, but then... then it was to be earned), savings, new clothes... I was 18 and I was beyond happy with the "things" I thought were so hard to attain in the past.
Now like (dare I say "magic"... I can because I was doing it for myself)... people who I never thought I'd have relationships with were back in my life, my friends back east were seeing me all the time cause I was coming to them staying in nice Hotels. Hell I even got a guy in LA because I'm more then sure I just wanted to travel there and see something new. (I'm kidding, my 18 year old self thought I was very much in love with the person.... but I wanted to go to LA a lot too... and the love was well... who knows I was 18.)
I was working jobs non stop, dancing, gigging, conventions, nightlife... I was having an amazing time doing it all... but something bugged me... I didn't want to put in all this hard work to stay right where I was.
People saw my money coming in and suggested I buy a home. But buying a home meant I had to stay there. And some of my friends did grow up homeless, so I get that... the need to want to own a home. But I grew up stuck in a home, and I wanted to now go explore this crazy thing called a world.
So I moved. To LA. And I got 4 jobs. I didn't know what was gonna work out. But here I am really all alone (I had my roomie/sister with me... but it was us, and she was off doing her own "thing"... I laugh because, she knows).
I again was running around to make money that seemed to be so fleeting. That need to have a "hustle" behind it.
And then I did this crazy thing, I remembered that I love the arts and that it made me happy (what else gets you up at 4:30am). Ok its LA I'm sure I can find a artistic group.
First one lasted a few years and got me next to people who were nice, but not my people. Lessons were learned.
After that much needed LA education, I found myself in a group of many artists who found out something about me... I'm talented (own your shit... nothing wrong with saying I'm talented), I'm a hard worker, and I'm no non-sense.
This... this got me into major trouble.
You see when you're running around town working, you're making money... so you could be mad, but there's more money in the bank. So you can't be mad at that.
When you're running around town for other people and this is for you're "future" and you're exhausted and there is no current pay out... You might get a little annoyed.
The Hustler likes to see a Dollar. Or many. I like money in other words.
Have I met the most amazing people, yes. Have I gotten to know this city in all of its beauty, yes. Have I heard the most amazing stories and had the best conversations, yes.
But bitch is tired.
Like beyond tired.
Like I don't even know what I want to do anymore because I am running around this town for my studio, my agent, and my "future" self.
One morning I had this great idea.... what if I just stopped.
I'm 33... about to be 34... so you mean to tell me for 20 years I have been running around non-stop?
I can't make a vision board, I have no vision. I have bags under my eyes because I am so exhausted by my list of to-do's that I have made up for myself so I can keep wearing my "she's-such-a-bad-ass-in-your-eyes" badge.
What's the worst about this... I of course (in sheer exhaustion) don't pick the right things for me. I pick the "right now" things for me... friends, guys, food, drinks. Because I'm trying to get some enjoyment out of this whole mess. A break from the non stop running.
What if we just stop? Running. (Yeah you said that before.)
Would your talent go away? Would your hard work ethic disappear? Would your love for growth and give just vanish?
No!!!!!!! Soooo what’s the problem?
You could just do this crazy thing for once in your life... stop running and start strolling and be so fucking thankful for all that you have created around you. And maybe just "be" for a little bit.
So I did that. Stopped. (And my inner self rejoiced... then said “Finally!”)
And I looked around and saw this whole mess that needed to get cleaned up.
It was like a messy bedroom with old tags on the floor, and a dirty pile, the give away pile, and the needs to be washed but not with those things pile, and the you wore it once its ok to wear again pile.
I needed to straight up divide and conquer the piles.
Oh and the money thing... I had more of it, by doing less... imagine that?
Because I was aware of it. Where it went, and for what. I never had a conscience problem with money, but now I was aware that money was being thrown into its own wrong piles.
So here I was, doing less... reading more books, going out into the world seeing more of it, eating better, being ok with not having a "to-do" list for the day... waking up each day and saying "what do I want to do today", and sometimes thats nothing.
For the first time since Jr High summers, I was able to wake up relaxed, not stressed (the ptsd from my former self did take a minute to shake), feeling in control, and also being more aware of what I like to do and what I don't want to shave my legs for.
Flip side... something else happened.
As I began to clean the piles... I stared to see "dirty" things in my house that I wasn't even aware was there before.
Things, people, ideas... they had to go.
Which is liberating and definitely cleansing, but also sad. Sad that I had hung onto these things for so long, not realizing that they had been draining me.
This time in my life has been the most productive (given the fact of all my production) and now I have an actual vision.
There's a vision... not a marathon.
And here's the crazy part "it's nothing that I ever thought I would ever want before”... which is so strange because, I've never done it before and I don't even know where to begin.
Which isn't that cool, and scary!!!!
Why do I write all of this... well it’s simple.
I was really worried what it might look like to someone else if I stopped doing the thing that wasn’t making me happy anyone.
I was worried what it would look like to you, and her, and him, and them, and social media.
It’s a very strange thing to be in a group setting and people ask “what are you doing?”, and then you answer “not much”, and then they look uncomfortable and then you have to say “ok good to see you”, then you keep it moving and worry that that went bad.... hahaha you see it?
That’s me. Now. And I will say this.... I’m very sorry I can not do the thing that makes me uncomfortable anymore so that it makes you more comfortable.
If I’m doing this all alone... then why does your opinion matter in my decisions?
Girl needed a break, so girl took one. Cause girl could.
And damn does girl feel good.
Do what you need to do for you. And don’t worry that it won’t look good for anyone else.
All my love to you all,