Off the Wagon
When I was younger, little ideas would pop into my head.
I would hear them and think to myself "That's a good idea" and then kinda/sorta ignore it.
Little ideas... little voices... anxiety/nerves... all it/they was/were doing was trying to help me out. Trying to put me back in my lane if you will.
Why did I ignore it... well, it didn't seem that cool.
Cut to now.
In the past few weeks, a lot has been thrown at me. Things I didn't even know would bother me (now/again/anymore).
Well it/they started to bother me... now.
And little bit by little bit, like a gaslight effect, I began to fall off the Wagon.
You hear addicts say it all the time (or at least I do)... "I fell off".
The Wagon was/is their Sobriety/Wellness/Good State... the off or falling off rather is their Trigger.
Something triggered me, and I didn't even know I could still be affected by its effects, and like someone turning down the lamp in the house little bit by little bit (gas lighting) I woke up one morning to see my entire wellness routine in the shitter and my home and mind looking and feeling even shittier.
I fell off the Wellness Wagon. My Wellness Wagon.
I literally woke up yesterday and said to myself "how the fuck did that happen?".
I wasn't reading, writing, working out, cooking for myself, taking care of my home, working on anything... I was in a state of nothingness that I didn't even realize I could possibly ever go back to.
But really... what the fuck happened?
I found out some family info, friend info, and even self info... all of which isn't this crazy new information that would/could never have been told to me before.
But it made me tired. I got really tired. Emotionally tired.
So what did I do? Fall back on some really old bad habits.
I got busy... too busy to take care of me. I got helpful... like helpful whore status. And to be honest... I got drunk... like old school Vegas Gogo just got off of work and Mama needs a drink.
I got focused on running away from old hurts that have popped up now, because thats supposed to be in the past right?
When your life is calm, easy going, you might start to get a little cocky. "Life is great"... which live in that light! Always.
And yes, life is great.
But what can/might happen in such a space, is that you may find a sneaky old hurt/habit/hot spot in the corner of your mind. And now that the coast is clear, it feels free to free itself and move about.
You on the other hand... are not prepared for this. At all.
The old thing, dusty as fuck, might trigger an old way of dealing with the issue. (Our bodies are smart... muscle memory). Which you (even as wise and smart as you are) sometimes didn't know that anything could derail you. (The emotions of the body are stored in your muscles... and they say "oh you told us how we handle this" and it goes back to that old memory of how you did, back then.)
Here's the good news, all those little whispers in your mind before that you used to ignore... well, they're called your inner guidance, gut, wisdom... and its here to help you. Always.
When I woke up, hung-over-canceling-another-work-out-grabbing-my-water-bottle-and-looking-to-make-sure-I-had-all-my-things-with-me again.... I sat there in all my hurt and anxiety and I got still and I listened.
What did I hear... a word.
The word was Stop.
Stop doing this to yourself, stop listening to the inner monster talking inside your head (I call her Tina... I don't know anyone named Tina, so its not offensive to me or her or anyone when I say to myself "Shut up Tina"), stop doing things to yourself (key word) that you don't want done to you.
I know its not easy for most of us in this Social Media perfection world we have created now to admit to ourselves or anyone else that it gets dark sometimes and we can't being filtered perfect today... But who cares really? Oh you care? Ok stop that too.
Ebbing and flowing in anything is the way of life. And you can't be perfect on your shit all the time anyways. No one is!!!
Its simple to take the easy route, throw up a hot selfie or group photo and make it seem like everything is ok, get that like or comment and fill up your ego... But when this is happening, cause it does happen to us all... Take a time out, and ask yourself "What do I need right now?". (And trust me, it ain't that shit.)
Your inner guidance has been telling you all along... but that Bitch has a lot of Dignity and she will not scream to be heard.
Its ok if you fall of the wagon. Its ok to step back from time to time. And its more then ok to say No, even if that No is to you.
Stop telling yourself how to feel... and feel. Stop running away from the feelings... and feel them. Stop putting yourself down for being human.
And if you find yourself falling off your wagon, if you're an addict call your sponsor... if you're not, call yourself out.
I called me out today and simply said stop.
Now if you would excuse me, I simply can not excuse this mess in my home anymore and I have to get my shit back in the wagon (aka off my floor).
Be kind to you. You're learning, growing, and hopefully forgiving. (And sometimes that forgiveness goes right to you.)
All my love to you all,