New Moon Who Dis

Over the last couple of months, there has been a really big push on my part to do less.


Because it scares the living shit out of me.

For me to stop "doing", to sit still, to relax... it seems like that would be my own kiss of death.

Yet for years this process of over doing it, not enjoying it, going through the motions, being on a hamster wheel... it felt like a shitty pair of pants that I didn't throw out.

You know what I'm talking about just by saying it. In fact this was said to me by my fitness momma regarding something else. But once she said it I looked at her, my eyes shot out and I said "YYYYEEESSSS"!

My whole existence, it felt like a shitty pair of pants. The kind you spent so much money on, and you wanted them to be perfect, and yet overtime you would sometimes pull them out and try to put them on, and when you did you felt like shit in them. Then you immediately rip them off and feel better.

Yeah those pants! My life for so long felt like a shitty pair of pants that I need to throw away, but I kept them because "maybe" one day I'll like wearing them. (Or shoes, shoes would work in this analogy as well.)

OK. So I didn't put the pants on, in fact I put them in the back of my drawer. I didn't look at them.

And I sat there... waiting for an answer (not on the pants... on what is next for me... the pants is an analogy, but I should really clean out my closet... side note.)

I sat on my couch, I sat in a yoga studio, I sat reading, I sat listening, I sat writing. I even sat awkwardly at parties when people would ask me what I'm up to and I would say "nothing" and mean it, and then they didn't know what to say next. Haha true story. I sat doing as little to nothing for months at a time waiting for this moment to hit me.

And then it did. But I didn't even realize it, until it all added up.

How did I realize it?

Looking at the moon, it dawned on me (as this huge shape looked back at me)... doing "nothing" was doing something. And it was doing the "something" to me.

All the sitting, and all the reading, and all the listening, all the being in the moment moments.

What added up?

I made a big decision a while back... "I don't owe anyone anything". Ok, then I made another decision.. "Nothing is wrong." Yeah, I don't owe anyone anything... anything I've done or received has been paid for or acknowledged. And where I'm at in my life is amazing. So nothing is wrong. And then I made one more decision... "I'm not going to do anything that doesn't make me happy."

Every day I woke up and asked myself... what would make me happy today? And then I would go do those things. Walk in the park, take photos with a friend, read a book, take a nap, grab lunch with a friend, go to yoga, go to barre, go to bed early, cook for myself, watch things I wanted to watch, say what I felt, go to areas in town I hadn't been in a while.

And then this crazy thing started to happen... I really loved my life. I was so thankful, and appreciative. And I was so grateful that I was enjoying my life the way I wanted to in my time I have.

Crazy I know. Baby step by baby step... everything started to take shape.

Then this another thing happened... I started to easily say no to things I don't want to do. Because it did not fall into the "will this make me happy today" category.

But this is when it starts to get really crazy.

I started to eliminate those things as well. Things I may have excused before. Stressors, people, and events that didn't make me happy. Well... they gotta go. All of it.

I started throwing out the "shitty pants" in my closet of life.

Why fake the funk? You don't like it. So don't be around it.

Step by step, moment by moment...

Now... now we get to the add up moment.... (I thought we already got there... nope not yet.)

Yesterday... I had the whole day to myself...

Wait, let's go back another day...

Two days ago... I woke up, little sleep... so happy... I had a few people coming over to my home to film something. Why? Because this made me happy. It turned into a small production in my apartment. I didn't care, because all of it was fun, silly, not life changing... it made me happy. (Wait is that life changing?) Right after that, I went through rush hour traffic to get to a dance studio. With my bag in tow, I had clothes on clothes... was I taking a class... No. I had rented the studio with a friend. For two hours, we are going to play dress up, and film each other... play whatever music we wanted to, and wear whatever we wanted to... we were like little girls. So happy with our play time. Right after that, tired as hell... I went to a bar, to wish someone good luck on their new chapter in life. Was I tired, yes... exhausted is a better word... but I was so happy to go do it.

OK now, yesterday! Hahah. Since running around the day before left me (yeah I'm older) tired (scratch that... I'm human.. that's better)... I promised myself I would stay home and not make any plans.

Post production, my home was a mess. It needed a huge cleaning. In my fridge, there was a food system I ordered that had a soup cleanse as one of the days. (You know that Vegan get me right shit after I just ate wings and drank beer all night... that kind.)

I looked around, saw what I needed to do, said to myself "today is the day I clean all this up." So that's exactly what I did. I started to clean up my home, I started my soup cleanse for the day. And also, my hairdresser told me he could swing by to do my do (because you know Holidays, and yes I'm a brat who gets her hair done at home.)

As the mess of my home was being cleaned up (bit by bit)... and each soup, tea, water was constantly being consumed (cup by cup)... and then my hair dresser asked me what I wanted to do, I said "cut it", and there four inches of my hair went down (section by section)... At the end of the day I looked around and said "Holy Shit, did I just cleanse my entire being?"....

And the answer to that is Yes.

New Moon? Had no fucking clue, until I went into my workout the next morning (relax, I ate a bagel before hand ... no I did not drink all liquids one day and then go work out... that's no healthy at all!). The women gathered, as we do, after our hour of fitness... and someone started to tell me about the new moon and its cleansing moments.

Ding Ding Ding!!!

Did all my months of eliminating and throwing out, and cutting out or off know that this moment was going to line up for me... NO! But did it ever... YUP!

With out stress, or worry, or strain, or resistance... Here I am living a life right now that I absolutely love. WHOA.

Then something else dawned on me for the first time in my whole life... "Did I just become a woman?"

Guys I think I did.

For the first time in my life, I am so happy to be me, to have my life, to be in my own body that exists in my own space, and enjoy the moments I get to have.

That ain't no little girl shit right there!

I sat back, opened up a book and there this was... right in front of me.. confirming this "new moon new me" (talking to drama "who dis?") moment I am having....

"The working artist will not tolerate trouble in her life because she knows trouble prevents her from doing her work. The working artist banishes from her world all sources of trouble. She harnesses the urge for trouble and transforms it in her work." -The War of Art

Your life is your piece of work. You are the artist painting, sculpting it, creating it into the finest art form it can ever be. You have that control.

I know all the moments that have lead me here. I sometimes have to retrain my emotional reactions to what is currently happening, not a record from the past. But I thank god for those moments to learn what I like and what I do not like.

Cause for all its worth now... I would not want to be any other woman then the one I am now.

I fucking love her!

Thanks Moon... Thanks Me... oh yeah and Thanks Mom for having me.

All my love to you all,