Profile Vs Personality

About a year ago, I had a conversation with someone that was long over due. One of those you put off and put off because you might be scared to have it, and then you say things you should have said a while ago, they even get it but they were hoping you wouldn't say anything and then it drains you.

Good news is I do not call names or say anything bad (you know what I mean "get nasty") these days, I'm mindful. But sometimes you keep things in in an effort to keep up with the "I'm Fine" campaign you're on. The energy it takes to say it leaves you all jittery and you need to go to bed asap. It's exhausting. Feelings haha.

The next morning, I had what you might call a vulnerability hang over. When you've over exerted your emotions and that leaves you a little out of it. (Or bottled them up... remember the body is keeping score and it will always win.)

Upon this (waking up), and doing what we all in bad habit do now first thing in the AM, I reached for my phone... and there was the person (who I had spoken with the night before)... taking a selfie, looking for attention, on social media (Cause it clearly was just that, attention seeking). 

To say I was beside myself was an under statement. 

I’m all about keeping it moving but... are you fucking kidding me?

This whole "look" (the selfie to their many followers) I saw right through it. It was a way to get likes and comments that would (dare I say it) puff up their ego. (Yeah I said/wrote it).

It brought me to more tears, in a "wow" kind of way. (Also in a ... did I just waste all that time and energy on you? This goes for friendships and romance... you know you've gotten pissed at your friends and been like "that ain't you bitch").

So much WOW was in me that I didn't wanna be on social media. 

Why do I want to look at things that aren't real?

What can I gain from this moment of manufactured images?

Does anyone's profile match their personality?

Cause that's not the person I was talking to last night!

I was over it... the whole fakeness of it all.

(I'm an artist not a showman... there's a huge difference.)

Then I was on a mission. To make sure I liked what I looked at, that every single time I was on I was real, honest. I deleted people, and made my news feed clean.

But sometimes you just need a total time out.

I took breaks from posting. Month off here. I would snap selfies of me that weren't the most flattering (like when my mother and grandmother were in the hospital and it lead to me after all was said and done having an emotional crying release) puffy face and all (in a way to see what I could get away with, could I post something real?).

Then I had another thought... What would happen if for a whole month I can write something I really feel and really think everyday? What would happen?????????

I thought I would lose all my followers and people would think that I was nuts. But this odd thing happened.... I didn't lose a single one. In fact I gain some. The likes went down (obvi), but the side convos that friends would message me started to become better... that went up.

People started to say "I like what you're doing on social media" or "I like when you write" or "Hey when you said that the other day"... 

I did this weird thing that I didn't know at the time... I started to create conversations in my own community that people were craving to have. I started showing up as Me... which if you follow me, don't you wanna see me?

Real conversations, real things, real words, real moments. Real Lo. (That's me haha.)

This started a roll, that then started me creating this space.

Then I thought... "No one is gonna read this"... then this other crazy thing happened... People started to read this.

WHAT?!!!

Here's the best part on here... I don't really edit my thoughts. They flow out, and some wording here and there I gotta fix, but the rest... fuck it. It's not perfect, neither am I.

Then what about the half naked photos then????? Aren't those attention seeking?

Why those photos?... well, again that's me. The real me. The girl who was a showgirl and would come home in her sweat pants and a full face of make up, the girl who likes oversized men's shirts, the one in her undies in the kitchen cooking. That body that she has shamed and worked on and still checks herself in her mindset and her eating and her habits. The girl who is in her own home, that she created and is damn proud to call her's. That's all me!

And it's not about getting attention from any of it... that's what I want to do. This is where I'm at.

But isn't that where the other people are at then?

Good question. It could be. But does mine looked that staged? Put on? (Honestly I'm down for the feed back.)

For me it was a moment on my birthday that I said "Celebrate you and meet yourself where you're at."

(Side note: can't you tell? When its for self or attention? When it's genuine and when it's not? I'm getting pretty good at seeing the difference.)

Then recently a friend I haven't seen in person lately had a birthday... I sent the happy b-day text (lame I know.. we haven't seen each other in while... ok fine I'll step it up with some coffee soon).

I got a response that first my ego took in...

"Hope you're doing as amazing as you look in all your posts."

Old school me would be like "why the fuck wouldn't I be doing good as my posts say?"... and then I checked myself and said "Lauren... she meant to say you look good!!! RELAX!!!!"

But is that really the way people assume things to be?

That its made up? Contrived? Well I guess so... why?

Because of the fakes we all see! You really don't know!!!!

This is where this all ties in... Does your Personality, your whole life really match your Profile?????????

Here's what I can say now... Does mine... YES!

I come correct, I say what I want, I post what I want, I don't care what or who has anything to say about it... And if you don't like what you see, if my world of what I think and what I say and how I like to dress and be isn't your cup of tea... Then please... DO NOT LOOK AT IT!

I look through, and I see it... the perfect people, in the perfect location, and they have that perfect photo.... gross.

Give me the real, give me the oops, give me the shit that you think is ugly that actually will make you more beautiful.

I get that this world is filled with a lot of bad shit and its super cool to zone out and look at a hot guy or an island getaway... but it also can go to the flip side of too staged and too fake and not really adding up to what would come in front of you.

There are even studies now that people are getting depressed by all this mostly "staged" shit... DAMN.

People are at home comparing and judging and wishing they were someone else.

OH HELL NO!

What's my point in all of this?????????

Come correct or don't come at all.

Post because it's real, not because it's the "fantasy" you want.

Be YOU in a world of people who are trying to be everyone else... cause you are the only one who can do it your way.

Go and live your life and don't worry what it looks like or if someone else will approve.

And if you’re thinking “My life isn’t as good as that person’s” then you’re not living in Gratitude. You’re not looking hard enough. Or your attention is somewhere else. 

You 100% have so much greatness and goodness everywhere inside and around you. It’s yours and it’s right there. I promise you it is.

My Dad has an amazing saying "this isn’t a dress rehearsal"... meaning life isn't a moment waiting to be rehearsed or that one time that's coming later... it is here and now, so live it!!!

Be the artist creating your life every day... not the showman looking for approval.

When you are too concerned with what your life looks like to others, you are limiting it.

When you think you're doing too much or too little, you're over thinking it.

Be you, do you... and by all means BE TRUE.

All my love to you all,

LP