Is This Bitch Wearing Pink
I think I've made it pretty clear where I'm from... and this week has been (no other way to put this) a lot.
If home is where the heart is, mine just got shot. And as someone who has been held up at gun point before, there's a wave of emotions that happen to you.
Is this post about Las Vegas... No. (I will write about it sometime soon, but I'm not ready.)
Is this post about being held up at gun point... No. (I started to write that one, but in the wave of feelings, anger came up... so I decided to put that one down.)
This post is about some bitch walking into my Barre studio wearing Pink.
If anyone works out in LA, Grey/Black/Blue... these are normal colors that you see on the reg.
The sports bra could be a bit flashy, but a lot of peeps here probably know they gotta be somewhere after, so we keep it close to the "is she wearing leggings or did she just work out" feel.
Ok... let me back up.
When I deal with a broken heart... I hit the floor. The floors of a yoga studio, Barre studio, even a dance studio.
I get this need to want either:
A. Real pain (in the physical sense)
B. A real connection to myself
I used to hit the actual Bar and a tattoo parlor... but that help nothing and I felt worse. Or better yet you have a messed up star on your wrist. And then you had to actually deal with all your shit later. And/or get it covered up.
OK. So pain.
Pain is something so off and odd and wants to be avoided... but the truth is you can't. And its everywhere.
As much as we all want joy, laughter, happiness, hope... you can't have those without anger, tears, sadness, and despair.
It sucks I know!
But it's fact.
And the older that I've gotten, the more comfortable I am with pain. Cause... it's gonna happen.
Pain hurts (Brilliant moment by me I know... shut it)... But it's true. Pain hurts. Yet many people do not want to admit this. To themselves or to their friends.
People love to hide behind the "I'm fine's" and the "It's ok".
(Side note: if you see or hear this, run the other way... this is a ticking time bomb that's full of shit that might explode at any moment. And if you stick around... well you know.)
It's ok to not let the full cat out of the bag to everyone, but why do we have to lie? To keep up a "face"?
Yeah fuck that face!
So about a week ago... the pain that started in me, it needed to be moved around.
I have been beyond blessed to have/picked/placed certain people in my life that are healers/helpers/lovers.
I run to these people. I tell them the truth. I do not hide from these people.
These are my safe spaces.
These are my spaces to help me move through my own pain and discomfort.
I can cry, I can sweat, I can shake, and I can verbalize everything that does not serve me. And know I'm getting one step closer to the happiness.
But I come here almost like a road with pot holes... there's a "Under Construction" bright yellow cone on my head.
One night, I tried it the old way... I sat down with some people, and wanted to numb that feeling. It's called wine people, and it's good.
But what's not good is when you're drinking something, and you don't even like the taste anymore.... That's when you should be yelling NOOOOOO.
Normally I would listen, but pain said yes.
I'm not perfect, and I did not stop when I should. But then I also say to myself "Welp, you did that, now you're gonna wake up and do this."
So alarm goes off... my old party girl knows what to do... chug water, shower, don't think, just go.
Ok here we are... feeling like shit, because we made ourselves feel like shit, but this is gonna make me feel better... and "Is that bitch wearing pink?"
Yes... as my top bun lay to the side of my head (because my hair is in dire need of washing), my face is puffy between a mix of my tears that seem to turn on and off at random and the extra pour in my glass the night before... I'm walking into my safe space and there is a force that can not be denied.
Normally that space is held for my teachers themselves... these bright white lights of hope and give... Nope this bitch was taking all the light away, everyone looked like dark clouds beside her, and she beamed awesomeness.
Younger me (in my state) would go to the negative... judgement, jealousy, self deprecation, and the like.
Nope, not now!
I'm not my younger self anymore, and I know I'm a bad ass bitch too that lives in her dopeness... But I'm down for the count at the moment, and I'm totally cool with that. And like a hungry vampire, I'm smelling this Fairy Blood and I want this shit.
Not like drain her till she's gone, but "can I get a hit and I promise this will be the last one... maybe."
Who is she... She is Brienne of Tarth tall (my mom is tall, she stands 5'11'... but this girl surpasses that), she is glowing all over... not just her face, but her entire being, she has the perfect french braid halo of hair to keep her perfectly high lighted golden fleece in place (this is not an amateur move on her part), her smile is beaming, her eyes have a twinkle, perfect tanned skin... and yes she is wearing pink. Baby pink, matching top and bottoms (covered by a grey tank... light grey) and she is looking for my safe master.
She finds her "I'm so happy to be alive and to be here."
I'm setting my weights down, and I hear this, look over and think to myself "who the fuck this bitch?!" Now I'm like a drug addict looking at the stash wondering if anyone see's me looking at it.
My safe master looks at me, as I'm setting up my spot in its normal place, puffy face, hair in a rats nest, and says "are you ok?" and all I can do is look at myself in the mirror and laugh.... I just pointed to myself and she did the same.
My work out buddy (a beautiful blonde Texan retired cause she wanted to actress who now runs her own acting studio to help others) comes in... she looks at fucking Cinderella next to us and says out loud "who is this?!".
My Texan friend hasn't been in a week because she has been sick and doesnt feel her best either... so both of us were beside ourselves.
Our stronger leader says "you're next to these two bad asses so you'll be all set." As me and Texas look up to our Gorgeous new neighbor we both start to laugh.
But Beach Barbie is smart... she knows this isn't about her.
You don't look like her, smile like her, and radiate that much goodness by accident.
She's worked for it... all of it.
And then I look at her left hand. The rock! Oh the rock.
It's (of course) perfect... on her perfect hand. Not too much, not too little either.
She has it down! The right goods.
I ask her where she's from, what she does, how long she has been married... this woman is amazing, and honest, and giving right off the bat.
Then I think to myself... this, this is exactly what you needed right now.
The universe threw this insanely stunning you have to notice creature next to you for all the reasons in the world... use her.
Borrow from her excellence today, take in her beauty, look at this bright Pink light.
(Bitch eventually took her top off during the workout... I don't even want to tell you what her stomach looked like. Let's just say Texas looked at me and said "I give up!")
When you're in the middle of a dark time... we can so easily stop looking for the light.
Darkness is seductive... it wants to lure you by all means.
We've all been there. It's natural to get interested in it. It's interesting.
Those who have never experienced it, I really don't trust yet. Not that they aren't amazing great people... but because its a learning step in life that makes you more appreciate, more grateful. It's one of those adult steps, like getting you're heart broken for the first time, that you know you'll never be the same after.
This woman in Pink... not an accident. This woman is celebrating her life that is happening now. This woman is celebrating all that is at her finger tips to enjoy. This woman was a gift to me at the end of this painful week. (And to Texas too)
The rest of my day, I had a lingering head ache (even slept longer to recover from that which I did to my own body)... but I walked around looking at the light in the sky, the beautiful green that fills up this city... I drove into other areas of town just to look, ate at a new place. I was more determined to see what life is still happening in front of me now.
I even washed my hair.
That my friends is a good day.
My heart still has a ting in it every time it beats... I've accepted that.
But my eyes are taking in what beauty this world has to offer.
I do hope (in the mists of all that is happening on this planet) everyone steps away from the tv, phone, news, social media... and look around.
Who knows... You're Pink Princess might be waiting for you too.
All my love to you all,