Do Nothing Bitch
About a month or so ago, I had a wave of thought come over me....
"When do I get a break?"
After I had this thought, my whole mind started to go into a panic.
The type of panic that tells you that you're not doing enough, you're so behind, you're lazy if you don't step your hustle up. You can't take a day off, money isn't going to be handed to you. It's not that big of a deal to do your to-do list for today. Suck it up!
"There's so much to get done, and you don't want to fall behind!!!!"
Yeah I've heard that whole song and dance since I was a baby.
Truth be told... My whole body (mind, body, soul) was extremely exhausted by the Bully Bitch that's been living inside my head since birth. Never giving me a chance to catch my breath. Never satisfied with the hard work I've done. And do EVERY DAY. Bitch wants more.
Well, unfortunately for that bitch (the Bully Bitch) Traveling, Weddings, No Days off, To-Do's... it all catches up.
And yes I have had days off from work, but there still is that Bully Bitch telling me I "need to clean, finish that book, meditate more, clean out your closet, why do you let those piles pile up, when was the last time you went to the ocean, have you written today". (She's a nagging bitch).
Even the "self love" and the "self help", those OTHER tasks you need to keep up with... its all WORK!
So what would happen if you become a (in the words of Ronda Rousey) "DO NOTHING BITCH"?????
Tell yourself to do nothing and watch what fear comes up.
What would Bully Bitch have to say...
It's not that fun actually... or at least not for me.
You see, I was raised in a 24 hour town, and I was told from a young age that I was going to have to work for everything I wanted (and I'm not mad at this at all). The hustler spirit is alive and well in this Sin City Gal.
But when do you give yourself a break?
When do you pat yourself on the back and say "you're doing so good! Relax baby doll!!!!"
When do you bench Bully Bitch?
In school, there was spring break, summer break, and even winter break.
Three day weekends. Holidays off. Even those *cough cough* sick days.
You get older and you get responsibilities, and you get priorities, and days off and rest time doesn't look good on paper so you need to keep pushing on even though it hurts.
Oh wait... its good if you're giving back, reading to rise up, and calming your mind in a space thats good enough to post and tag on social media.
Is this normal?????
Um NO its NOT!
This 24 hour town raised gal, moved to a "who's doing more" environment. And the long list of to-do's has become so normal, that it is who she is and isn't impressing anyone anymore (not even herself). Because they're all doing it too and look so much better on Instagram with better looking, more successful friends by their side.
Kill. Me. NOW!
A little over a month ago... I didn't know exactly what was wrong (yet). But something was. Was it so easy to blame on my car being in the shop, and working extra days because I was on Vacay the week before, or even the wine I was having at the end of the day, the fact that I still wait tables, or that I could have a career doing something I hated but my 401K would look nice, and my stubborn ass was riding the bus because my mind couldn't let me spend anymore money on a rental... Sure.
So what do we do, we call Mom.
I talk to her every day anyways, but there sometimes is the call that you know you can't just say "I'm fine" anymore.
On the phone with Ellen (thats my mommy), I began to ramble. From one topic to the next not making a lot of sense, listing the tasks I need to get done, what I should be doing more of here and less of over here... and as the words left my mouth, my mom asked me to say the one thing I've been trained not to say...
"Lauren... just say its Hard."
My eyes popped out of my head, and I tried to make more sense of my life and the ramble some more, make excuses and again... I'm not saying I'm fine, but I can't say that!
"Lauren... just say its Hard."
Then I could feel it, in my throat coming up, and tears started to form in my eyes, she was right. Its been hard. For a while. And why am I not allowing myself to say that.
I began to agree, and cry, and say out loud to her "it's all so hard"... followed by "how can I fix this?"
Mommy just said "why don't you start by being less Hard on Yourself."
Wait, I'm sorry... what did you just say?
I can do that???????
Wait can I????
I said yes to her, told her I'd call back later, got off the phone and looked around at the 100 projects and tasks I could do... and asked myself "can you do that Lauren?"
The truth is, I didn't know.
I've been surviving for so long... what does it feel like, look like, to do nothing?
Now my nothing isn't a fuck the world I need to slack off 100% mode... I'm talking bare mins.
Workout, cook, work, sleep.
Don't schedule meet ups, don't plan coffee dates, don't say yes to shit you don't want to do, and don't worry about disappointing people that you say No to their invites.
Do less. Do nothing.
I guess I can try...
And so it began.
Workout, cook, work, sleep. And repeat... workout, cook, work, sleep.
"Aren't you going to..." nope, stop thinking... workout, cook, work, sleep.
I knew that my body needs rest, but it also needs care... and working out and cooking for myself isn't hard for me. Its just isn't. It's a part of my nature now like brushing my teeth.
If I was going to do less, it didn't mean cut out the things that keep me sane.
But I wasn't even allowed to expand or search for an "answer" to "fix" me.
Do. Nothing. Bitch.
I didn't pick up a book, I didn't look to post or write, I didn't plan shit. I did what I said I would do. Nothing more.
And Bully Bitch... oh she was waiting.
Waking up "what are we doing today", you already know Bully Bitch. After my workout "what do you have to do", Bitch you already know. After work "where are we going", home Bitch so we can go to bed.
Bully Bitch became this child in the back seat that I continually had to turn the music up so the tantrum would be drowned out.
And I did... I turned on series on TV that were not going to change my life. (Hello all of True Blood I've never watch before!!!! Hot Bodies, Vamps, and Darkness... yes please!)
I listened to music as I got ready for everything. (Whats up playlists I've never heard before that aren't on the radio.)
I didn't have an emotional jolt every time I opened my eyes in the morning. Because again I already knew what was going to happen in my day.
What did this teach me? That I really really really need to do less.
Australia, Ireland, Tunisia, Italy, New Zealand, Slovenia, Croatia, Poland, Spain, Germany, Denmark, Austria, Iceland, The United Kingdom, Portugal, France, Lithuania (which is fun to say), Finland, Sweden, Brazil, they all take AT LEAST a MONTH OFF a YEAR!!!!
And America... Zero Days off, because Freedom Never takes a day off.... really??????
Maybe, just maybe, we are the most over weight, in debt, under slept, medicated we have ever been in this country now more then ever because... we don't give ourselves a FUCKING BREAK!!!!!
When you can't think straight, when you are over spending, when you're life feels out of control, and even when you can't remember your last day for you... STOP EVERYTHING.
My friends aunt (who's a life coach) told me something once that stayed really with me....
You are a table, and your table has four legs. The legs are your...
If one of those legs are off... it doesn't matter what you put on top, its not stable. What ever you're trying to build on top of it... it will fall off.
Whats the best place to start to see which one needs work, and where your attention needs to go?
Oh you Start by Stopping.
Stop doing, stop being so hard on you, stop planning, stop fixing.
When you become a "Do Nothing Bitch" you might actually be "Doing" something far greater for yourself then you could imagine.
You might actually start to enjoy and appreciate your life more.
Recently a friend told me a mutual friend of ours said this.... "I don't owe anyone anything." Those words stopped me.
They're right. You don't.
The only person you owe anything to is yourself. And if something isn't making you happy... why are you doing it?
I'm not happy running around, and I don't care anymore what that looks like to anyone else. I want to be happy. I want to know how to enjoy this beautiful life of mine.
I want to do less. And show up for me more.
Do less. Be ok with you more. Take a note from the other countries of the world who actually seem to be enjoying themselves and their lives. Because again... You don't owe anyone SHIT!!!!
Now go sit on your ass more! (Well thats my plan.)
All my love to you all,