Change Gone Come
This has happened to me soooooo many times before... and I don't want to spoil the ending but I already know its gonna be alright.
Well, this isn't the first time I've wondered "what's next?" and I certainly hope it won't be the last.
Because... in the words of the great Sam Cooke "a change gonna come." (And I always want to keep changing.)
Listen... I wasn't born by the river or in a little tent... (Actually I was born in Long Island Jewish Hospital by Dr Cohen... Shalom... and the Hudson was a few miles away... sooooo ) but "just like the river I've been running ever since."
Long hours in school, multiple jobs, multiple training, multiple towns, friends, family, lunch dates, classes, work, work, work, did I say work? Just a bunch of running around. Oh annddd.... Have you worked out, how's your gratitude journal, where are you on your new book, did you read that article, have you meditated? All that shit adds up too.
The running however sometimes doesn't feel like a marathon... with that you get an ending and also you know you've worked so hard and earn that down time. This type of running is that treadmill kind. You know that one, you are exhausted and feel lighter but you haven't seen the sun in days, you haven't logged any real miles, and you're so exhausted because your body is tired but you're standing in the same place so you tell yourself to keep running and then shame yourself because you look around and nothing has changed.
This wasn't always me...
My young self, little Lulu Bell, she knew what was up. My mom told me I would sit in my play pin, alone, and never complain. In fact I loved it. The quiet. The down time.
I see this as my pure little soul, not understanding anyone or anything yet. Couldn't talk, or understand the words someone else was telling me. Key words here: someone else.
Then she (Me) started to grow up and began running...
Because someone else told her to?
I actually don't remember why I started or what struggle I had or even who I had to prove anything to. But I do remember a lot of other people telling me I had all these problems ahead of me. (Wait what problems?)
So I bought it. The story, that I had a hard time and I was gonna have a hard time, and that I was gonna go against some hard times.
And they weren't lying. Sometimes, it's shocking I know... Life is hard. (I finally said that out loud the other day. I broke, forgive me haha.)
But what happens when one day you wake up and decide it doesn't have to be?
I'm not old, by any means... But I've seen shit go down, a lot of it... for myself and others. And I've had these moments in my life before. I can remember a few specific ones to be exact:
-Before High School
-After High School
-Before leaving Las Vegas (just leaving my town, not the film... I'm currently not a hooker housing an alcoholic... but you never know.)
-After leaving Las Vegas
-Moving to Los Angeles
-Living alone for the first time
There have been landmark moments in my life where I have felt the need to sit down with myself and be very very honest. "This is all really cool. You have so much to be thankful for. Nothing is wrong. But you want something different."
It's honest. But its not a panic state by any means.
And there are also the times that lead up to that moment... Drinking, over working, under sleeping, filling up my calendar, filling up with "commitments"... and I know exactly what I'm doing. Distracting myself from doing nothing.
(Because oh the shame I would have looking at someone else and saying "I don't know what's next for me" and have to sit down and face it. And let them know when they ask how my day went that horror of horrors I did nothing to further myself or my "career" <---- what is that anyway.)
Well these days there ain't no shame in my game... because now I know this... I'm done giving everyone else the answer they want while I'm over here sitting with it and thinking "why the fuck did I say that? that's not true."
Oh so what I'm trying to say is as follows:
I Don't Know What's Next.
Try saying that out loud... it feels so good!
(Unless you do know what's next... then you don't have to say that now... but put it in your back pocket and save it for a time you need it. Because you will.)
Why is this the post?
I've lived in towns (and I'm more then sure this isn't just me) that your calendar needs to be filled, how much have you gotten done, and also what's your next thing you're working on is the question/answer portion of most people's conversations.
What if you said... "I'm doing nothing, and I have no idea who I want to be next and what comes next?"... Do you think people would think you're on the verge of a breakdown, or even a sad little girl in need of assistance?
Can I tell you this?..... I'm not doing much these days and it feels amazing!!!! I'm not loading myself up with "to-do's" and not filling my calendar with bullshit things that make me feel like I'm going somewhere (hello treadmill.)
I'm sure the mom's on the playground, the tech entrepreneurs', and the actors that surround me would not be cool with this... But I at this moment know something is going to change, but I don't have the answer, and it feels good to say that out loud and I'm not worry if it looks a little "unperfect".
You see, looking perfect... that's a 20 ton shield (as Brene Brown would tell me)... you're trying to pull the whole "don't let em see me sweat" dance off.
Well I'm not sweating... in fact I'm loungin... Knowing this ain't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last.
I find myself of late doing the bare, bare minimum for the day. What needs to get washed? Do I have work today? Have I showered? Do I need to?
It's odd right? But whats the opposite? Struggle, fear, anxiety... Gross.
It's not the IG look at me go, I haven't slept for days, my life is amazing and blessed, look at my new toy, and I love my job life... It's come down now to the, this life is beautiful, I don't care to look for or towards anything else, I've created this, and what else am I capable of.
I'm pretty damn proud of where I've gotten myself to. (And why can't I sit there and enjoy that for a moment?)
I do however wake up every day right now with party-girl/work-a-holic PTSD. And as I look at the time, or try to create an out come for my day, or even start to stress about what I "haven't" done yet, or the worst look at someone else's life and start to compare (thief of joy people) ... I take a few deep breathes and lay back down. (Oh yeah and put the damn phone down!!!)
I begin a simple check list... You can use any you'd like... but mine is sooooo simple:
-Where are you?
-Did you want to be here?
-Why aren't you allowed to just be in this moment?
-Who have you wronged?
-Who are you thankful is not in your life?
-Is there anything you need to get off your chest?
It's like that.
I do the run down of what's up and then remember "oh yeah, I'm good." (Because I am.)
I know this goes against a lot of what people are talking about... but for me, learning to wait, taking it down 1,000 notches, keeping it very simple is also in line with learning to not have to "self help" yourself to the next step. (You're not that fucked up I promise you.)
You don't have to meditate, you don't have to work on yourself today, you don't have to go outside if you don't want to, and you can eat the food thats in your fridge (because its delicious and you planned it that way.)
My simple routine right now...
-food (all day)
-work (if need be)
There's no need to do more then you have to sometimes.
And also, there's no need to get all extreme about it. If you're in AA don't have wine, Duh. If you want to not work out that day, don't. Is eating cleaner only gonna help you feel good, yeah... but you don't have to go on a cleanse. Just eat a fucking apple instead of a cookie. You're an adult you know what you need and whats excess. Stop distracting. But also don't punish yourself.
You're not broken, you're not lost, and you aren't in need of a huge make over.
The only person you need to make sure you're good with is you.
And if YOU want to just do YOU and do LESS... (this is me talking to me hahah)... then DO IT!
Struggle is a myth. Simplicity is a gift.
Stop trying to impress those around you. I dare you to take it down and see what pops up.
There's no real badge of honor for being miserable.
Love you Boo.
And there's no real ending for this blog post, because... again... I don't know : ) .
All my love for you all,