Losing Your Shit
I haven't posted in two weeks... not shocking.
When I started this whole website/blog thing, I made a few promises to myself. Some rules.
1. Never write shit just to write.
In other words, don't make it seem (like we do with a lot of things) that if you aren't posting every other day then you're a slacker/not into it/not "on it" or whatever other thing we like to tell ourselves if it isn't happening ALL the time. Not gonna write if I don't want to or aren't inspired. Not about fluff. Ok cool.
2. Never mention anyone by name.
This is a no brainer. My writing isn't about other people, and Destiny's Child told me I'm better then that haha. I'm not for slander or taking my own issues out on others. This is about me and what I'm learning. They may have been the lesson, but it was I who was receiving it. OK, got it.
3. Never write while drunk.
That has happened enough for me via text. And he didn't deserve to hear from me anyway. And really, what right mind are you to share if that's whats up? I'm a great time drunk (believe me) but that's not what this is here for.
4. Never write while you're going through it.
If my day or days are bad/off/out of whack, I'm not going to use this space as an emotional jerk off session. Nobody likes to listen to someone angry or upset... we do however like someone who has learned and grown from a hard spot. Hell even a lotus flower blooms from murky waters.
So needless to say (minus a trip that was AMAZING!! I'll write about that later, but this is important to me to share now) the past couple of weeks have brought me way wayyyyy out of my comfort zone.
Ok here's the question????
When your foundation is uneven do you have time to live in the clouds?
Did I hang out with friends.. yes.
Have I had a good time... yes.
Did shit happen in between... yes yes.
Do I find these moments to be "character building", very much so...
But was it always super easy and handled with the greatest of ease... hmmmmmm. That's a big fat NO.
Needless to say... I was going through some shit.
What shit? A lot of adult shit that was happening all at the same time.
Those are fun moments huh.
I just looked up... "quotes about going through shit"... and this one popped up.
"It takes going through some shit, to realize some shit"
Yeah of course that's the one I like. I could have even written that one haha.
Ok let me explain how I felt a little bit more....
Have you ever been in a shit storm and you do know that "this too shall pass" (cause this ain't your first), but the passing isn't gonna happen for a while, the road is long, and you need to keep your head down so it doesn't get in your eye (you know, the shit... nobody needs pink eye at a time like this), and all you want to do is take a shower but the bathroom is at the finish line and all you have on you is some baby wipes in the back pack that weighs a lot and your legs are tired and feet hurt but there is no other option?
That's what just happened.
Allow me to introduce another list of rules I like to partake in when the shit has hit the fan and you're the maid here to clean it all up...
When it's raining and you only have a certain amount of energy to give your "fucks" to... I encourage you to please... USE THAT LIST!
What are your "fucks"... it's your:
You really truly only have a certain amount of Fucks to give in a day. And when the Shit is happening, the Fuck Budget needs to be on point.
Is the Universe abundant, yes... But when you have hit after hit after hit coming at ya, and you're bleeding against the ropes, you're so fucking tired because you've already gone 10 rounds and you still have a few more left... Do you really have a "moment" to "self-care"?
Sure... but it looks a lot different then Deepaks or a Yogi's Instagram.
Is there a place where you can become one with nature and get away... I'm sure, but when you are only human and you're going through it alone and you have to get through your days and you just need a beer at the end of each one... the nature hike and meditation can wait. And Deepak can kiss my ass, because I'm in the lesson and I will for sure get back to Loving Om's later. Cause my hair is in a bun and I have time for a quick shower, and my clothing options are baggy pants and over sized shirts because Street Kids know "Don't draw attention to yourself" while your means of transportation are your feet and the bus.
The self-care in this case is getting you from point A to point B without killing yourself or getting yourself killed.
That's not even a joke.
Is this the guru shit you post on IG... NO! But is it real.... YES.
When you're backed against the rope, who do you have to relay on?
I've been put down, told I'm too strong or even that I'm not "girly" enough because of my Independence. (I'll get into the girly enough shit later).
My own Independence has been a point that people want to use against me. A LOT. But here's the deal... What other choice do I have? Who's gonna pay for it? And when it needs to be done now... who are you gonna pray to for it? I'm gonna go with yourself.
As the shit was coming down, I had to step up. ME! Not someone else, not a credit card, not my family. This is my life and I have the strength to handle it. And what's so wrong with that??????
I'm sure someone has an answer somewhere for me... But why is it a bad thing to know you are strong enough to handle it? I'm excited to hear that answer.
OK how does one do this:
-my time needed to be budgeted on "what do I HAVE to do today?" (That excluded people and talk and even typically "self love" because I honestly didn't have time for it). Eat or pray... or just be damn thankful there's food in front of you.
-my money was going to be spent wisely. Now is not the time to "treat yo self" when so much is already happening. Don't need added stress. I'm sorry you have to walk to the store to grab your groceries, or plan going to work a little early because you need to fill up your Tap card, or even pick up more shifts because money is money is money. And you can manifest the shit out of it, but when it needs to be here now... You better budget and work for it. NOW.
-my energy is going to one thing and one thing only... DO NOT LOSE YOUR SHIT! You can cry when its all over... but right now, put in those ear buds and get on it.
But when your energy is low... and your money is tight... Your mind can go into OVER DRIVE. And the person in the passenger seat is someone called YOUR EGO!
As I was doing everything that I was... my mind had a nasty little voice in it, screaming at the top of its lungs, the worst shit one could ever say to another. I did not invite this person, but they were my opponent in the ring. Here to beat my ass down.
I decided to borrow some skills from a movie I saw "Baby Driver" and make it all into one moving playlist of a movie.
This is now an adventure. And we have tunes to back it up.
Pop in those ear buds and lets go.
"But isn't this being another one of THOSE people who are tuning out the world and not listening to their inner voice and should get quiet and focus in?"
This is what music was made for! To uplift during a time of struggle. To feel that energy instead of the low low's one can feel when facing "character building" moments alone.
When you get out into the real world, and I mean REAL... People are (like the words of Talib Kweli) trying to "Get By". They are trying to block out the horrible ringing and noise in their heads and keep their momentum up as they lug their ass around town.
The smell of this one, the energy of that one, the looks coming from them... You don't need to take that all in. You get it, you know whats up.
As I was surrounded by people, who are living this way every single day... My inner gratitude HAD to take over... because I knew this was temporary for me. (I don't know if they know it can be temporary for them too... but again I only had X amount of Fucks to give). And I'm wise enough to know that life is throwing me this curve ball for a reason (someone once called me the curve ball Queen... I like that title... Ima keep it.)
Why am I writing about all this and what am I trying to say....
You need to look at your own life and ask "what am I taking for granted that is a gift and a luxury?"
And also ask your mind "I know you're cool and calm when you have everything going your way... how you gonna be when you don't?"
Or even "how you gonna handle it when the chips are down?"
My ego was loud, but my mind was cool. My body was tired, but my will was ready. And my communication to others was lacking, but my respect for their own space was high. (Mom only got a text daily to let her know I was alive, but I can't talk right now... Best Friend was filming a TV show, but I couldn't celebrate with him till the end of the week... You get it.)
Sometimes you have to do everything to not lose your shit.
I felt unmotivated, I still did it. I felt sad, I told myself we got this. I felt unable, and yet I still made it up the damn hill.
Here's the bottom line... Bitch you ain't the first one ever going through the struggle. The struggle is real for this world. It's so cool that you can post and live your "BEST SELF" but sometimes, for most... This is their life.
Sometimes, you have to know what its like to want to LOSE YOUR SHIT, to know how to treat others with kindness and respect.
To be so fucking grateful for the luxury's you have, that it can (and sometimes will) be takin away from you.
I love a good wake up call. I love a good "will this be what breaks you" moment. I love a good "I'm so not in my normal routine but I'm gonna make it work anyway" week.
Build your character up. And don't ever be the person who thinks something is beneath you.
Don't be the bitch who has a fly land in her drink and ask for another one. Spoon the fucker out and get back to drinking. It's wine... don't waste it.
My grandmother is about to be 94... after a full week of not talking to her (not normal, but I wasn't in the head space to talk to anyone) she asked me what was up.
I said "I'm sorry, I wasn't in a good place and I didn't want to take it out on anyone."
Her response "I understand. You gotta take the bitter with the sweet."
And that's just it.
When life is going along and it's good, that's great. But when it gets sour/sticky/bitter its more then ok to say "I can't do that right now."
Sometimes, it ain't much.
Because you value you and others way too much to Lose Your Shit on them.
It's your shit... best news is, you get to handle it however you'd like.
And if you have to (and you probably should) lose it right before bed in the shower so you're clean and tired and ready for night night.
Guys... "this too shall pass"...
You don't always have to have ALL of your shit together.
I know I don't.
Best news is there's a crying section at the finish line.
All my love to you all,