I was sitting in my friends backyard last night... In an awesome conversation about our own paths, and past, and the universe (you know you sit around and do this shit too or I think you should do it in your own way.) We were drinking water (not wine... that for me came later) and talkin about what has been showing up for us both in our own lives.
My buddy has been a teacher for a long time. I too come to her (the reason I was there in the first place) when a life lesson has really shown up for me, and how that lands in the learning process of Lolo's life.
She began to tell me about someone new she had started to work with as a client. I asked her how it was going... she said "we're going in baby steps."
As she started to explain what exercises she was using to help the newbie into her own progress... I started to think... I've done that, and I STILL need to do that.
A book I'm reading right now reiterated something I have heard a few times... You look at the whole elephant and you can not eat it all at once... You need to do it bit by bit.
In this case... Baby Step but Baby Step.
Where is this showing up for me... this week? I've seen the change in my eating. BIG TIME!
I talked about it in my last post (a little) and I've talked about going to the kitchen to Feed My Soul... but it truly started to blow my mind as the days have past and I began to notice what I buy, how I try to use up every single thing in the fridge and not let it go to waste (I succeed about 95% of the time!), what gets prepped, even what I choose to combine together and for what reasons.
Food!!! (This blog post is not about it, but an example of own steps)... It's a battle for soooooo many people.
It was MY battle for so long... and now I look at how far I've come with my relationship with it. (And its a long ass way.)
But that did not happen over night. (LONG ASS WAY!)
Think about it. The basic human need to survive is food (water/shelter too blah blah)... and now that it is so conveniently placed around us (stores, take out, Grubhub, drive thru's) we aren't looking at how... when we start with this one thing... "it" effects all of our lives.
My "MOMENT" was when people around me started to die. (Death makes Life more real doesn't it). And I looked at my own quality of life. And the gift I have right now (Be Here Now anyone?) to live it.
How did I feel inside? What did this do to my body, my skin? When would I feel like I had no energy? What guilt did I attach to what foods and what was that energy with it going into my body and how was my body processing it? Why was I eating this at this time of day? Was I eating to "feel' better?
GUYS!!! I was an Italian American food, white bread, American Cheese, give me Fat Sal's, sandwich loving, late night pasta making, Fast Food drive through, Mayo based, Ranch dipping, cheesy everything, sugar filled coffee, I'll-finish-what-you-don't-eat QUEEN!!!!
And I still love those foods. Why wouldn't you love those foods? They taste damn good!
(I promise this isn't about food!!!)
But its not those foods that were the problem, it was the idea of eating something different and doing something outside of the norm of my family.
Yeah. (Hi I'm Lauren... I love you all but I'm a little different... does that make me weird?)
Cause these "west coast hippies" don't eat "REAL" food....
But wait? Do they? Cause I'm kinda thinking they do.
How are these baby steps showing up for me. I started making small (very small) choices... and I would start to see one change. OK. Then I would make another choice and see that change..... OK. And so on and so on.
Today... my shopping list was:
My shopping list about two years ago would have been this:
-coffee mate (Peppermint Mocha)
(Those are two examples... and I love both lists... don't get me wrong.)
But do you see the difference!!!! Of course you do.
No the top list isn't ALL I eat (I got a lot of shit in the fridge I'm gonna finish up... remember I don't waste not... My money or my food... which I spent Money on).
Listen, I had wine last night, and this morning I had a coffee (Almond Milk Latte)... but before I would of had a Soy Vanilla Latte... so I'm starting my day with processed Soy milk, and a shit ton of Sugar?????
But the energy I put into food. The guilt, the skin problems I had, covering those up, my tummy, the shame I put on it having "things" I didn't like (you know those things) on my tummy, the thoughts I spent on "what to eat next"... It was so damn time consuming, and hurtful, and energy sucking, and not loving at all.... And thats what I started and ended my day with.
Guilt, shame, wanting to make a change, and struggling with all that.... Time, energy and money... that really could go towards so many other things.
I was not loving myself... and I was addicted to my choices, and I had to start to change it up step by step.
But that's weird right?
If you think (as women, I'm sure men too) how much we waste on what we look like, and the size of our clothes, and our skin, and how does this look to this person, and what can I do to cover that... If it all boiled down to ACTUALLY changing the way you look at something... How much better would you feel?
I wanted a better quality of life... and starting with the little things (yes I have A LOT more to work on)... and making baby change by baby change (not an extreme over haul process that leads to a huge breakdown and fear over the unknown) I started to believe that I could create this better life for myself. That each act of saying NO to this and saying YES to that was actually one step at a time of (dare I say it) LOVING MYSELF MORE!!!!!
And because I was making these small changes... It started to show up everywhere!!!!!
I'll clean this up because it will make me feel better and I will show me I'm worth that. I will say No to this person, its only one NO, but it will be a YES to me. I will not allow that person to treat me that way, because it does not make me feel good.
Baby Steps in a rear view are actually MILES AND MILES of distance you have come from your old self.
What I ended up doing for myself is looking at how capable I am of change and progress. (Annnndddd not giving a shit what anyone else had to say about it!!!!! This is what I'm doing!!!! Am I harming you or me? No. So shut up!)
And if I can start it with just this... (Which by the way... Healthier food is FOOD and it begins to taste sooooooo much better then shit food... but let's get real, I still will eat the shit food time to time. You don't even wanna know what I ate on 4th of July... in fact I stopped thinking about it... no guilt, no shame... just a good ole time. But yes I still want my breakfast bowl of arugula, beats, carrots, sauerkraut, eggs and hot sauce)... what else can I baby-step-to-change too?
Look at where you would like to make huge change in your life today!!! Those things that nag on you (You know what they are). And begin to ask yourself "what can I do in this moment to make it happen?"
Try it I dare you!!!
Whats the worst that could happen? You're actually proud of yourself and you show up for you and you have a better quality of life??????
I'm just saying.
Baby step!!! This ain't a dress rehearsal, this is your life.... so step bit by bit, bite by bite into the one (and the size of it) you want!!!!
All my love to you all,